Every time one human kicks the bucket,
at least two more of the fuckers are created somewhere else.
The experts think we come together in pairs because of biological programming.
Survival of the species.
But they're wrong.
Truth is, human beings have a terror of loneliness.
They couple up and make babies in the vain hope they'll never be alone again. But not me.
Me?
I've evolved. I don't need anyone else.
Prolonged contact with another human being brings me out in hives.
Intimacy? Fucking yuck!
And why am I like this?
Because people like you
need people like me to stay alone and sober.
So that we'll patch you up when you're broken.
Don't touch me!
And when you can't be patched up any more.
I may not be in the race. I may even be a miserable sod.
But I can generally get to your doorstep in under eight minutes.
So bring on another day.
Hello!
Are you dead?
No.
Wakey-wakey, Grandpa.
Shall I do the eye thing with the shiny light?
I'm doing it.
Eyes. Yep. Two of them. Good. He's drunk.
'Call to all vehicles.'
'Incoming category A emergency.'
'Female.'
Come on!
'24. Possible cardiac arrest.'
'Fellas, She's trapped in a second-floor flat.'
A proper job. Nice one.
'Ambulance attending. Fire crew despatched.'
Oh... fuck!
Come on!
Out of the way. Move!
Get out the fucking way!
Can't they hear the sirens?!
Come on.
I think this one's yours.
We're gonna have to...
Oh, do you want me to...?
I can break a door down.
OK? OK...
Right. Stand back.
See, I can break a door down.
Are you OK, love?
I brought this back. It doesn't really suit me.
I wish you wouldn't come round in that.
I've come straight from work.
I swear people think I'm a grass. I want to shout, "She's me daughter!"
Why don't you?
I don't want them knowing me daughter's a copper.
Is there any other aspect of me life you'd like to trash?
Have you got any other ones?
Oh. The "get yourself a man" chat, again?
Well. It never does any good.
I meet men every day.
Most folk find their partner at work.
Well, the men you meet are criminals
and their solicitors.
Don't worry. Cos there's no way I'd fuck a solicitor.
I'll want my door replacing!
I'm so glad we rushed to get here.
Will you be careful? I am having a baby, you know.
Sorry, Marsha.
A baby?
You mean. You're pregnant? As well as...
As well as what?
..morbidly obese. And that's not an insult, it's a diagnosis. I'm allowed.
Yeah, I'm pregnant.
How did you? I mean... Who?
Well done.
I wanted the firemen.
Here we go.
Take off... Landing.
Oh, look at that.
Women are so easily played.
I mean. You can practically see their wombs vibrating.
You would so do the fire boys.
Cos I'm really that fucking obvious.
You're telling me you wouldn't get busy with a bunch of ripped firemen?
I am telling you exactly that.
What about you, Marsha? Do you like firemen?
Oh, yeah.
Firemen represent a kind of benign rape fantasy, basically.
Big and sweaty, invading her space, putting out her fire with a big hose.
Bloody textbook. Actually, it's boring.
It's huge...
Let it all out, Stu.
I meet blokes.
You don't. Not the way I mean.
You see far too much of Stuart for my liking.
Oh, you are joking.
He's a total mess!
Emotional bloody car crash.
Yes, he is. A mess. I thought that.
Well. I blame the parents. They fuck you up.
Fine! Blame it all on me.
It's like picking up a rock when we come in here.
OK, before you blow, let's breathe and... seek out the positive.
Huh. Well, I'm looking... There must be something in the way, cos all I can see is humanity.
At it's stupidest.
And that's pretty fucking stupid. There are bacteria with more brains.
It's just a fairly average day in A&E, ain't it? It's like this all the time.
Yeah, that's not helping.
The horror of it all.
God, but I am proud.
Proud?
Yeah. Proud that I am biologically incapable of adding to its vile, dirty ranks.
Are you firing blanks?
Yeah, I am a total Jaffa.
These barren gonads shall produce no filthy offspring.
Weirdo.
It's a pity though, man.
Empty spunk. No virility. You're not in the race.
So "you've got spunk" equals virility, and that's it? End of.
Pretty much.
You got no gametes. Ladies need gametes to make babies. I dunno, isn't that how...?
The Disney guide to reproduction.
Gametes?
So how is it a pity?
Well, cos it makes you this lonely, sort of prickly...
fuckwit.
Prickly fuckwit we have to work with.
Thanks, chaps. Very nice.
Hey. It's the least we can do.
You know what I think, I think, fuck it.
I reckon some people are just better off on their own.
Well, it's funny you should say that because I'm seeing someone.
This afternoon. So...
You've got a date?
Yes. Billy no-gametes has got a date.
Wow, that is a...
What?
Transparent lie.
No, it's fucking not, actually.
OK. Great, you know what? You know what they say...
Just be yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah?
No... Don't be yourself.
Be someone else. Anyone else.
Yeah.
So, go on then, what are gametes?
Reproductive cells.
Sperm. And the other one.
The egg.
Lady gamete.
Not really my bag.
So if you don't like firemen, what type do you go for?
All sorts really.
Erm...
Cowboys, Indians...
You really don't like me asking, do you?
Not really.
So you're not proud and all that? I thought you was "out".
There's "out" and there's "out". All right?
I don't know why you want to know anyway.
It's bonding.
It's finding new things to take the piss out of.
That is bonding!
You'd tell Stuart.
Would I? Maybe.
Thing is, he knows not to ask.
So should you.
Where the fuck is it?
Hello?
Hi, Angie? It's Stuart.
We met a couple of weeks ago? At Pechey's. Had a ponderous conversation about climate change.
Came close to saving the planet, it was fun.
Stuart, hi!
How've you been?
I've been well, thanks. You?
I've been really good.
A lot of stuff on, but good, yeah.
I've been thinking about our... our conversation.
A lot.
What are you up to?
When, today?
Why not? Pick up where we left off.
Mmmm. Yeah. That'd be great! I would love to.
OK, meet me in Briggate at 4pm.
'Uh, sure. Great.'
See you then.
Who needs gametes?
Hi.
Hello.
You spoke with real authority when we met.
It was really nice.
So, what you studying?
Is it that obvious... that I'm a student?
History and politics.
With a view of getting involved in the future? As a campaigner, or a lobbyist?
But part of you is still not sure what to think, what to believe,
whether or not one person can make a difference...
Don't.
What?
You're doing it again.
What am I doing?
Impressing me!
Reading me. Like it's so fucking easy.
Yeah, well.
I don't know anything about you!
Well, I'll tell you all on our first date.
We're going to have a date?
Mmmm.
Isn't this a date?
No! This is a pre-date.
A pre-date.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, where we kind of sort of...
sketch out the parameters for our actual, first, proper, bona fide date.
Good, this is good. Structure.
Exactly.
Although, we need to allow some room on the agenda for...
you know...
the mystique of the date.
Mystique?
Who's bringing that because I...
I'm pretty low on mystique.
I'll bring the mystique.
I've got, erm...
Yeah, I've got quite a lot of it.
I think you should kiss me.
I've got a bit of a... a cold.
That taste...
Is that what mystique tastes like?
I'll see you on our first date, then.
So, do you like guys older than you then?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Just leave it, right?
I'm a trainee. I've got stuff to learn and theories to try out.
About?
Now, cos I'm with you...
Uh-huh?
..about gays and what they're into.
So, I'm a guinea pig for your theories?
All of which will no doubt be rubbish.
Maybe they're not all rubbish.
Like about you lot being "versatile", I don't buy it.
I reckon some of yous like to bowl the ball, some of yous like to bat.
Now the question is are you a bowly or a batty?
Did that black copper just cruise you?
No.
He fucking did! Oh, this is proper interesting.
Gay spots gay! So that's what it looks like!
Except you're not interested, cos if you were
that would be fucking obvious.
Nice one, Granddad.
Oi! Right, you little shit!
You'll notice I only raised me arm to check the time.
Absolutely.
Get up, mate.
Thank you.
You can't leave your doors open.
A 70-year-old man evacuated himself in here this morning.
You want to try that Cillit Bang stuff.
I was thinking a can of petrol and a match.
Any chance you going for a drink after work?
Erm... no, I can't, actually.
I have a date.
What, a date with a girl?
Where she's in the room with you? Not one of the greased-up bimbos
stuffing up your hard drive?
You suck all the fun out of life.
Oh!
And you're...?
You know, a little bit... nervous.
She's gonna run into my foibles.
My little idiosyncrasies.
Your terror of physical intimacy.
That one in particular, yes.
How're you going to play it?
I might have got over it by now. Look, it's a difficult job, this.
Stressful. And stress, interferes with the hormone GnRH.
Right.
Right, which in my case depresses my sperm count, yeah?
Which leads to my low self-esteem, which leads to my intimacy problem.
So EMTs, they can't have sex, ever?
You just don't understand.
You know what I reckon?
You know what I've always thought has been the root of your problem?
Oh, not the "it's your dad" theory.
In a nutshell, yeah.
It has nothing to do with him, OK?
What's up with you?
Trainee's getting on my nerves.
How do you know GI Jane?
Maxine? We're mates.
Went to uni together. Why?
No reason.
All right?
Yeah.
Good day?
No, but it's getting better.
Um... I'm going out. To see Kira.
I thought we could just... stop in.
I just...
You're looking pleased with yourself. Is she cute? Your student girl?
Aw, dead cute. I mean ample breasts, flawless skin,
pretty, symmetrical face.
That's key, that. Symmetry.
Petite.
Petite's good, yeah?
Yeah. Petite's very good.
Get in there, Stu. Steal a place in the race.
Not you.
Do you use any... websites?
Any... gay datey sort of sites?
Yeah, I have done.
What are they like?
Well... they're shag sites, really.
And that's not what you're...?
No.
You're a good looking lad, I wouldn't have thought you'd have much trouble.
You'd be surprised. Why do you ask?
I've enrolled myself on this dating web site.
Right.
"Fuck it," I'm thinking, "Might be a giggle."
Yeah.
Good.
So you don't already have a girlfriend?
That surprises me, actually.
Should alarm bells be ringing?
No, I like to plough my own furrow.
I enjoy my own company.
Good.
Right. You could come in and have a coffee.
Er, well, yeah,
I'll come in. Don't worry. No strings.
I want strings.
Strings are what I'm after.
Real commitment I'm seeing, which is really very admirable.
Snogging.
Now, snogging's interesting because it...
It triggers a release of dopamine.
Yeah?
Mm. It floods the brain with it. The reptilian brain,
which controls the... rush of desire.
Really?
That taste... what is that?
Let me show you the bedroom.
Come here.
Look, don't worry.
It's...
It's... I'm tired.
Of course.
Hiya.
Hello. How are you?
Um... I'm fine. Aren't you on your date?
Yeah, it's nice.
So why are you ringing me?
He rang me.
Your dad?
Yeah, my dad.
When?
Last week. Out of the fucking blue. After 17 years. Can you believe it?
What did he say?
Not much. I put the phone down.
You Class A prick!
No. No. He is not the reason for my... intimacy thing.
OK, it's biological.
He doesn't exert this baleful influence over me.
So why did you ring me to tell me that he'd been in touch?
At least think about it.
What he did has left you...
hurt. Fucked up.
I'm not fucked up.
Oh, you live for your porn and you loathe humanity.
That's because humanity's loathsome.
I can get his number. I can trace the call. If...
If I do that, you call him.
Why the fuck should I?
Because you won't be able to... open up
and get close to someone until you do.
Fuck's sake!
Ah. Look at you all. Is it just me?
Or are you all Buddhas in green uniforms?
Yes, it's just me, apparently.
Complaints are up, so from now on you are robots.
And if they vomit on your boots, you say thank you.
Is there any more of that you can dredge up?
Otherwise we get it in the neck from above.
Is that generally understood?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Superb.
Cheer up, Bayldon.
What's the betting Billy No Mates had a really crap date last night?
All right, mate?
All right?
Are you coming out with us today?
No. I'm out with Carl today.
Fat Carl, the trauma magnet?
Yeah. Fat Carl who minds his own business.
I've been ever so worried.
Really?
Yes, he's had it for a whole day, pretty much.
Had what exactly?
That.
You called an ambulance for that.
Yes.
You got games today?
What?
Rugby?
I don't see what this has got to do with it.
You don't like rugby, do you, Josh?
Bit too rough for you, isn't it? And the other boys...
they know you don't like it. So they... they say stuff.
And what's happening is you're thinking,
"Maybe, just maybe, they're on to something."
What stuff? What is this?
I've no doubt he'll tell you when he's ready.
Right now, I have to blue light him to A&E
for an emergency dose of Tixylix
before he starts coughing up blood on your crazy paving.
I don't like your tone.
Oh. This has gone way beyond just tone, madam.
I'm being really fucking sarcastic here, you not getting it?
I pay your wages.
Yeah, you're the taxpayer. Great.
This gives you license to dick us about with coughs
when actually, madam, out there, people need our fucking help.
Er, excuse my colleague. He's having an impotent rage.
Have a locket. You'll be fine.
So, you're not going to see that chick again?
Why can't I just be angry cos that woman was wasting our fucking time?
Well! Was she or was she not wasting our fucking time?
She was wasting our fucking time.
There you go, then.
All units, we have a house fire in a fourth-floor flat,
Clough Heights, Grimshaw Street. Please respond.
OK, this'll cheer you up.
It'll take a miracle to cheer me up.
Building fire, Grimshaw Street. We are the first respondents.
Help! Please!
We have two casualties, conscious, fume inhalation.
Repeat, we have two casualties...
and one very sad bastard.
Fuck's sake... Stewart!
Please! Someone help!
We're going to need backup if he falls. Fuck!
Smoke exiting building, fourth floor. Two identified casualties.
EMT attempting to climb scaffolding in advance of fire crew.
Silly sod.
Get us there.
It's way out of our...
Turn round.
He's such a twat.
It's like Peter Parker.
Stu, leave it!
Help!
Go on, Stu! Go on, Spider-Man!
What's he doing up there?
Right. Come on, lads.
OK. Pull, pull.
Please help me, please...
Go on, Stu! Stu. Get your leg over!
Are you OK? Stay calm. Everything's going to be all right.
All right, Rachid?
Sergeant Fox.
I'm assuming...
You're assuming right.
9-100, I've got a fire in East Grimshaw Street.
Two officers on the scene...
You've got a fan.
Hello.
Well, go on.
All right.
Hello, I'm Rachid.
All right?
I know this isn't the moment, fire and all that,
but back there at A&E the other day, was that..?
What do you think it were?
Reckon you're now thinking several jumps ahead.
Can we swap numbers?
Forward, ain't you?
I don't like to mess about.
We can swap numbers...
the next time our paths cross.
At, what, a multiple stabbing or something?
Yeah, yeah, something romantic of that ilk.
OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, demarcation, I know.
The heroic stuff, your fucking territory.
Well, forgive me for stealing your thunder
but the kid needed treatment. So fucking sue me.
Mate, I'm not getting at you.
That was a fucking brave thing you just did.
Thanks.
What is going on with you?
I just climbed four flights of scaffolding.
I don't know what's going on.
I genuinely don't.
Come on, his number.
Nice try.
I'm not ringing him.
I've brought me taser.
One blast of this baby and you'll be buying him lunch
and doing his washing.
Actually you'll be, er... rolling around the floor spasming but...
Just try.
You're not doing it for him, you're doing it for you.
And all that sort of bollocks.
Fine.
OK.
Hello?
Hello. It's, er, Stuart here, Stuart Bayldon.
My son?
I wouldn't go that far.
It's about time you rang.
Yeah, you mentioned meeting up. That could be possible.
Well, yeah. I want to meet you.
I bet you would. Let's pencil something in. Wednesday?
Yes, I can do Wednesday. I can get time off work.
What do you do?
What do you care? Does it matter? Just a bit of this and that.
Fine. I'll call you again.
Yeah, sure. In your own time.
This is such bollocks.
My intimacy problem, yeah, is hormonal. It's just...
Yeah, yeah. Brain chemistry.
Or something to do with how we're all just basically monkeys.
Look, I'll talk to him on the phone.
I'll see the bastard but it changes nothing.
Here we go.
It's all good. You are the dark outsider.
Whatever the fuck that means.
I was having this discussion at uni, basically about how
it's obscene to equate population growth with carbon emissions.
Like global warming is the fault of people in poor countries
having too many kids.
When most of those countries produce more kids but way less
emission than richer countries where birth rates are lower. Anyway...
Maxine? Hiya...
Hiya.
You look nice, better than your photos.
Not that your photos are bad or anything.
It's all right. It's always better in the flesh, isn't it?
I've booked us a nice place.
You said in your message it's been ages
since anyone's treated you nice, so I thought...
That's nice.
There's a nice Italian place down town and then, a film maybe?
But just a meal will be great. I don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm pretty easy going. You know, I often think that people put...
Could you pull over, please?
What?
Just. Do it, please.
You're not taxed. Can I have a look at your insurance, please?
That was...
Yeah.
Where did that come from?
I really, honestly have no... no idea.
I've been feeling... funny lately.
My cold's gone, have you noticed?
That'll be your doing.
My doing?
Well, we've exchanged fluids.
My body's detected alien antibodies in the saliva and other places.
And it's thought to itself, "Hello, I'm under attack, here."
Yeah? Mobilises the defences.
Gives the immune system a kick up the arse.
So, I do you good?
Yeah. Doctor Angie.
Alien antibodies?
Yeah.
They're my antibodies.
Yeah.
And all it'll do is help you get rid of a cold.
No small potatoes. That cold was really getting on my tits.
Hello.
Here's a turn up for the books.
Go on.
You were right.
About?
About the whole, "It's your dad", theory".
Oh.
Yeah. You seem to be spot on. It's weird.
And you know this because...
you've actually managed to fuck your girlfriend.
Yeah, as it happens.
Well, good.
You know, it's always amazed me how somebody with so much fucking
perspective, could have so little bloody insight
into their own... shit.
I know, it baffles me as well. I mean...
Right, well. Good luck with it.
Thanks. I'm really... grateful.
Get back to her, you pillock.
I'm going! Bye.
Bye.
Right.
Come on.
Step forward, number three.
You're an idiot.
Could you not have just ignored his bloody tax disc?
How could I? He was driving illegally.
I was a passenger in a car that was being driven illegally.
Were he nice looking?
That's neither here nor there.
Yes.
Look, he was the first one. They won't all be committing offences.
What?
I just think... some folk are better off on their own.
I am never going out with Fat Carl again.
Trauma magnet?
Two cardiac's, three compound fractures and a ruptured spleen.
That was just the morning.
The man is cursed.
Well, it's good to have you back on the crew.
Yeah? Yeah.
I do have one question for you, though.
And what's that?
When you get with your copper...
I'm going to dress up as a young offender, that's right.
It was an innocent question.
I'm glad to be back as well, kind of. Just...
I just wish my crew would stay out my private stuff.
What, your stuff as in... who you really are stuff?
So, unless I know, in intimate detail,
what kind of girl you like and how you like to fuck them,
and what position suits you best, then, I don't know you.
Basically, yeah.
Fuck off!
Look, I'll give you any detail you want.
I'll draw you a diagram.
I'll do you a pie chart.
I would.
This is where I work.
That sad bastard! He's only brought her to work with him.
Maybe she's on her way to college...
If she's on her way anywhere it's to tie herself to a fucking tree!
Tell you what, though, I reckon she's too good for him.
Here he is.
Tony Manero! Cat that got the cream.
Actually fuck that, it's Paddington Bear!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't parading her, she wanted to see where I worked.
Yeah, course. You're a saddo.
I'll tell you what.
You're missus looking top class fuckable today, though.
Those tits, eh? Perky!
Oi! No.
Ooh. It's getting serious, ain't it!
I can't even mention her puppies no more.
They're his now.
Fuck off.
You, my friend, have joined the race.
No, others race. I walk.
Leisurely.
So, how was the sex?
I'm not telling you... none of you business!
Tell me!
Out of ten, though.
Only children rate things out of ten.
Spiderman!
A word.
It was a four.
The rudeness.
The things he said. The words he used.
He made all sorts of asseverations about my son.
Which I still haven't got to the bottom of.
It's just not good enough.
I mean, whether he likes it or not, I pay his wages.
He's meant to serve.
He is my servant, I expect total respect!
What have you got to say?
I'm really, really sorry.
I had no right, whatsoever, to say those things.
I sometimes blame the stress of the job, or other stuff,
but, turns out it's just an excuse.
I'm really sorry.
Is that a sincere apology?
Yeah... it is?!
I know.
Well, I'm still not happy, but...
You've apologised, so...
Hey, Josh, I hated rugby too.
I don't believe this.
You all right?
Yeah!
Yeah.
I'm taking the weekend off.
Think I need to do some reassessing.
Leaving me with the newbie?
You can handle him.
Hm-mm.
All right.
Hm-mm.
Can I have one of those?
Hello!
Hello, babe.
Oh, I'm "babe" now, am I?
I've decided to take the weekend off. I thought we could have some fun?
We can spend the weekend getting to know each other better.
You know. How about that?
How were the drunks today, darling?
Thank you for asking, darling.
The drunks today were, as usual, very drunk,
truculent, confused and really rather smelly.
So, no lives saved, then?
Alas, no. Perhaps tomorrow there'll be a big pile-up on the M62.
Fingers crossed, eh?
Yes, indeedy!
I'll make some coffee.
OK.
Mystique.
I thought I was coming down with something. I don't know.
What? What am I looking for?
Just do me a sperm count.
Why do you want a sperm count?
There was this study.
Manchester University, about five years ago.
Men with near zero sperm counts
whose wives/girlfriends were being unfaithful
and the men were being exposed to the other guy's... secretions.
And?
And it had odd and very measurable effects on them.
They became more... potent individuals, in lots of ways.
I see.
You could repopulate Leeds with what you're packing there, fella.
'So, what have I learnt?
'Some races you win. Some you lose...
Da!
'..and some you shouldn't even start.'
Hello, Dad?
I can't make it on Wednesday.
How about you call me back in another 17 years?
OK, bye, Dad.
Is this all we do all day? Pick up drunks?
You noticed, well done.
Proper bad for your back, this.
That's cos you're not doing it properly.
Like this.
Does this mean you and missy aren't getting jiggy no more?
Bend your knees, not your back.
Fucking drunks.
Waste of a good liver.
Welcome back, mate.
'Female, broken leg, trapped in flat. Bowen Street.
'All units respond.'
Come on, before the fucking firemen get there!
Three one five, responding.
Sorry, mate.
Whoa.
I hear you had a tough one yesterday.
When did we start carting stiffs to the morgue?
Since undertakers stopped returning my calls.
I can handle it.
No you can't.
Not until you exorcise your demons.
Fuck off and leave me alone?!
Ice. Ice?
Baby? Ice - I.C.E. In case of emergency.
Who have you got at the other end of your phone? Igglepiggle?
I've asked Sarah to be my girlfriend.
Sarah... will you marry me?
Wish you'd cover up a bit.
People don't want to see too much of the udders.
I'm dying.
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